Love Is Relative Page 2
Every once in a while I find myself wondering where Emily is and if she’s okay, but then I remember that she doesn’t give a shit. She knew what happened and I never heard from her again. The fact that she exists is the reason that my mom is dead and my dad is a worthless piece of shit. God damn it, I really want to hate that girl.
Emily
I wake to the sun flooding in through the lace curtains and into my bedroom and I can’t believe I’m here; I’m home. There was so much adrenaline pumping through me as I exited the commune gates I felt like I could have driven forever. Turns out I lasted the entire nineteen hours only stopping when I needed gas. I called Grandpa at my last stop and told him what I had done; technically I had stolen a car. I figured the car was stolen from somewhere else before I took it, seeing as the commune had no real source of income, so I don’t know if I committed a crime or not. I also took money from the lock box in the office for gas. I guess that was a crime but Luna took every cent from every commune member and Mom must have contributed at sometime. I would have done it either way.
Grandpa told me to sit tight, that he was coming, so that’s what I did. I paced the gas station parking lot until I saw his old Ford pull in. All my fear instantly disappeared as Grandpa held me in his arms. The familiar sent of his aftershave felt like heaven.
He had me follow him to the police station. When we got there he scribbled a note stating that the car belonged to the Arcadia commune outside of Clovis, New Mexico, and then we left. “No plates, no VIN- it’s stolen, my girl. That little bit of peace on earth might get a little less peaceful,” he told me as we drove home. I haven’t thought about that damn place since.
Grandma and Grandpa sent me to bed at nine P.M. and I’ve been blissfully sleeping since. Pretty sure the only reason I’m up now is because the smell of bacon ripped me from my sleep.
#
Grandma’s biscuits and gravy plus a big pile of bacon are all I need in life I think, as I shove another whole piece into my mouth.
“They didn’t feed you at that yahoo place did they?” Grandma asks.
“No, they didn’t. Had to live off vegetables and vegetables alone. I think I’ll throw up if I ever see another zucchini.”
“Guess we’ll keep you out of the garden for a while,” Grandpa chuckles.
“I don’t want to go anywhere near it.”
“I’m just so happy your home.” Grandma reaches out and grasps my hand.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed it.”
“I still can’t believe your mama did that to you. With everything else you were going through you sure as Sam didn’t need to be uprooted and plopped down in some nonsense place like that.” Grandma shakes her head.
“It wasn’t so bad.”
“You never were very good a lying.” Grandpa smiles at me.
I don’t respond to that, I don’t like to be caught in a lie, even a white one.
“I’m so disappointed with Charlotte. I just wish she would have had the sense to at least call and let us know you were okay. Three years, almost three whole years, and not a word. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to see your beautiful face pull up that drive with Grandpa.” My grandma’s weeping now so I squeeze the hand that’s still holding mine.
“Well I’m back now and I’m not leaving. I don’t care what Mom says when she shows up again, if she shows up again. I’m done trying to be her daughter.” As I speak the words I know they aren’t true. No matter how mad I am at my mom I always end up doing whatever I think is best for her. She’s never been a mom to me, that’s always been Grandma’s job, but she has been a half-way decent friend most of the time. I always end up forgiving her and reassuring her that everything is just fine because she’s my mom and one day when Grandma and Grandpa are gone she’ll be the only family I have.
Danny’s face instantly pops into my head with this last thought. I shut my eyes willing the image to go away. It does, only to be replaced by his fathers.
As if he can read my thoughts Grandpa says, “You’ve been gone for a while, honey, and there have been a lot of changes down the path.” Down the path is Danny’s house. My stomach drops. “We don’t have to talk about it now but I want to be the one to tell you about it, I don’t want you hearing anything through the gossip mill.”
A million thoughts go through my mind but there is only one that matters. “Is Danny okay?”
“He’s still carrying on down there,” Grandma says in a tone that she usually reserves for the drunkards, as she likes to call them, that open and close the only bar down town. I want to ask why but I’m not ready for that discussion. For now it’s enough to know he’s alive and that he’s still down the road. Not that I’ll ever see him or speak to him again, but it wouldn’t feel like home without him there.
My chest constricts so I change the subject. “And what about Winnie, how’s she doing?”
“Well let’s go see.” Grandpa stands and offers his arm for me to take. My belly’s full and I truly missed that old, gray horse so I stand and sling my arm through his.
#
Once we’ve said good morning to Winnie and also the pigs, cows and chickens, Grandpa leads me to the shade of our big Oak tree and sits himself on the ground, resting against the sturdy trunk. I do the same, taking comfort in this old routine; the one where the two of us take a break from working away from Grandma’s watchful eyes. I lean into his shoulder and close my eyes to the sun. “Go on and tell me,” I say, knowing that whatever has happened to Danny and his family is weighing on Grandpa. He’s silent for a few beats and, although I knew it wouldn’t be good news, I start to worry. “You’re making me nervous Gramps,” I whisper.
“Well, I’m just gonna get the hard part out of the way.” He lets out a hefty breath then reaches over for my hand, taking it tightly in his own. Then he says it: “Cora passed away about six months ago in a car accident.”
My breath catches in my throat and I can’t release it. My eyes burn and all I can see is Cora’s smiling face, the way she looked at Danny… at Jason… at Maddie…. My tears fall and I feel my heart break for Danny and his brother and sister. She was a good mom, the best mom. It shouldn’t have been her.
“Take a breath, Emmie. I know this is hard to hear. I know how close you were to her and the rest of the family but you have to breathe.”
I do as he says and I feel light-headed. I just can’t believe what he’s saying is true. “How are they?” I manage to ask.
“You should know, sweetheart, that they had worked things out and were happy again. They were a family again for almost two years before God saw fit to bring her home.”
“What do you mean, two years? You said she died six months ago.”
Grandpa clears his throat before speaking again. “I forget that your mom took you away the next day. I forget that you don’t know anything. You never spoke to anyone from home, not even Danny”
“No, Grandpa, there wasn’t a phone there. Mom drove me to the commune and I was stuck there until two days ago. If I could have called someone I would have called you,” I say through my tears that just seem to be growing by the second.
“Of course, Emmie, I know that, it just doesn’t seem possible that you were cut off completely. We tried to find you, I hope you know that.”
“I know.”
“She left,” he say’s abruptly and I’m not sure if he’s talking about Mom or Cora. “Took Jason and Maddie and went home to her parent’s. Mike was a wreck, you wouldn’t have recognized him if you saw him. Danny stayed behind.” He pauses so I can consider this but I don’t know why. “Danny was strong, don’t listen to the nonsense your grandma says about him, he’s a good boy, he’s just been through a lot. He took care of his daddy and the business and eventually Cora and the kids came home. Like I said, they had almost two full years together before she left them.” He sighs and I know he has more to tell me. I’m afraid to ask but I have to know. I have to know if Danny’s okay.
“To be honest with you, Emmie, I don’t really know. I tried several times to talk to Mike but there is just no getting through to him right now. I don’t think he’s doing so well. He doesn’t go to his office anymore, doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Danny’s all those kids have now and you know that’s just not fair to any of them. He’s given up a lot to stay with his family, to take care of his brother and sister.”
My breathing has stopped again as I think about Danny. He’s been through so much. My heart is crying to be with him, to help him like I would have always done. It’s my body’s natural reaction. But I’m guessing I don’t know him anymore, I know he’s not my Danny anymore. I’m the last person he would want help from.
Danny
I’m doing something I haven’t done in months, something that used to be as routine as eating but now it feels awkward as I run through the trees on the dirt trail. For sure it’s not doing what I hoped it would do which is calm this nervous energy that is alive in my body for no damn reason. I’ve been on edge for the last week but I don’t know why. The closest comparison I have is the way I used to feel before a big game; the butterflies that came alive in my stomach along with the adrenaline rushing through it. But this feeling is different. I can’t put my finger on it and I can’t get it to go away.
None of the usual remedies are working either. I’ve drank myself into a stupor ever night but I haven’t tried my other go-to because every time I pick up the phone to call some random girl it is suddenly the last thing I want. I’ve spent a lot of time in the shower trying to release it on my own but every time I do that, I see Emily. Since she’s been gone I think about her more than I’d like to admit. My thoughts of her used to be laced with anger but now I can’t seem to muster up my usual hate. I just want her face to leave my mind but the more I want it to go away the more it remains. I stop running when the trail ends and decide to walk the block up to Noah’s and Luke’s place.
#
Luke gawks at me when he opens the door. “Holy shit, is it really you? Noah, get out here.”
“Calm down,” I tell him as I step into the apartment.
“No way,” Noah shouts as he comes around the corner. “I was just telling Luke if I didn’t hear from you I was gonna go track you down and drag you out of the latest funk you’ve got yourself into.” Noah’s been calling every day and I’ve been blowing him off, hence the over-reaction.
“I’m not in a funk,” I tell him as I sit down in a worn recliner.
“Looks like you’ve been running.” The look he gives me is asking why.
“Just feeling a little restless, don’t get you panties tangled.”
“I just figured next time I saw you you’d be in one of your asshole moods but, seriously man, I’m glad you’re here. What do you think of the place? Kicks ass, huh?”
I look around for the first time even though the guys moved in two weeks ago, right before graduation. Technically it’s Luke’s place. His dad owns the gas station and mechanic shop where he and I work; Luke’s here for the long haul. Noah, on the other hand, is heading to the University of Minnesota in the fall. “I bet the chicks melt for the Planet of the Apes poster,” I say noticing the only decoration on the living room wall.
“Hell yea, they do,” Noah laughs. “Luke’s gonna test that theory again tonight, he’s been working real hard to get Natalie up to his bachelor pad. He’s thinking tonight’s the big night.” I don’t know many of the soon to be senior girls but I know Natalie, she was one of Em’s best friends.
“I would maybe reconsider the poster. I don’t even want to know what’s going on in your bedroom. Please tell me you left the half-naked girls sprawled out on sports cars back at your parents.” Luke looks a little embarrassed and Noah busts out laughing. “Seriously man, take them down.”
“You gotta come with us tonight,” Noah says, changing the subject.
“Come with you where?”
“To the lake, man… B.T.B.”
B.T.B. is Burn the Books, a long standing tradition in our town. The seniors were done with school a week ago but the Underclassmen just finished. Every year there’s a huge bonfire down at the lake. Everyone goes and throws all the accumulated shit from their lockers in it and then gets drunk as hell. It’s the first party of summer. I went last summer, things were semi-okay then but now I’m back to non-social mode. As much as I like to drink, parties aren’t my thing. “Sorry, I gotta be home.” Which is true, it’s always true.
“Come on, man,” Noah says. “Give yourself a night off. They’ll be sleeping and Jason’s thirteen now. They’ll be fine for a few hours.”
Noah’s right, they’ll probably be fine, but things could go wrong too. I don’t want them dealing with my dad if he gets up in the middle of the night and starts drinking. I’ve gotten that call from Jason too many times…I think Dad’s downstairs crying. I make sure I’m always near them even if I’m not in the house with them. Sue, my mom’s best friend and the office manager at Donovan Construction, is always there when I’m working nights but she does enough for us. I’m not gonna ask her to come sit in my house at midnight while I’m off partying. Not that I’d have been much help if something had happened this week. I’m just as bad as him sometimes, I gotta lay off the whiskey, I gotta get rid of this feeling. “Not tonight,” I tell him.
“Come on, Danny. You haven’t been anywhere but school and work for…” he trails off uncomfortably.
“For six months, since my mom died?”
“Sorry, I just miss having you around.” He looks at the floor and shakes his head. “But I get it. I just think it might be good for you to pretend like you’re any other senior who just put high school behind him. You might have a good time.”
“Doubtful.”
“Think about it.”
“Yea, alright,” I tell him standing to leave, knowing I won’t give the party a second thought.
Emily
“That was fun,” I tell Nat and Jessa as I look at the pile of new clothes laid out on my bed. “Thank you for taking me shopping, thank you… for everything.” I feel my emotions swell for the hundredth time.
This week has not been what I had expected. I have settled back into my routine at home with Grandma and Grandpa as if I never left. I had hoped that things would be the same between me and my grandparents but I hadn’t expected any more than that. I have been gone for almost three years and, although I had plenty of friends before I left, I doubted I had any now. Too much time had passed and besides, I was the thing that tore the Donovan’s apart. So when Jessa and Nat showed up in Winnie’s stable I almost fell over from shock. Besides Danny, they were my best friends, had been since second grade. As soon as they reached out and wrapped me in their arms it was as if we had never been apart.
They have the idea that we are going to the B.T.B. party tonight even though I have told them a million times I’m not ready for that. Maybe none of my old classmates even remember me but if they do the memories are only going to be bad. Things have been pretty good since I’ve been home, I don’t want that to change.
Plus, I’m terrified I’ll see Danny even though Nat and Jess insist he never goes to parties and no one has even seen him since school’s let out. That, of course, breaks my heart. I still can’t believe Cora’s gone. I’m so tempted to take the path down to Danny just to get a look at him, just to see if he’s okay, but that thought scares me. I don’t think it’s something I can handle right now; the rejection he will surely show me. I’m a coward.
Even though I’m not going to the party, I went along on their party outfit shopping spree because I definitely needed new clothes. All we wore at Arcadia were saris which are not even an actual piece of clothing, but a big piece of fabric that I had to try and wrap around my body. My old clothes are still here but they don’t fit anymore. Apparently I’ve grown more than a few inches taller and my formerly baggy shirts are way too tight on my c
hest now. They make me look like a complete floozy, not that the shirts the girls tried to make me put on were any better. In the end I went with my standards, besides the stupid jean skirt they somehow convinced me to buy. I don’t know what I was thinking, never in my life have I voluntarily put on a skirt.
The last stop was Euphoria, a store that exclusively sells hair products and makeup. I had no idea such a place existed but before I knew it the girls had me in a chair getting a makeover with them. I’ve never wore makeup and when the lady turned me around to look in the mirror it was a little startling. I swear my eyes were twice as bright and twice as big as normal and the way my lips shimmered was fascinating, I still can’t stop rubbing them together. Something about the lip gloss makes me feel like a girl for the first time.
“Let’s try to assemble a cute outfit from this pile. I swear, girl, can’t even get you into a sexy little top. Not that you don’t look damn sexy in one of those tank tops, what I wouldn’t give for those boobs of yours. My God, if I ever fill up this B cup I’ll be happy,” Nat says, laying an outfit on the bed.
“Seriously, I’m so happy you guys are hanging out with me again but I’m really not going to that party tonight.”
Jessa stares me down. “I swear to God, if we have to throw you in the back of your grandpa’s pickup and tie you down, we’re getting you there. Even your grandpa agrees- already gave me the keys and showed me where the rope is.”
I laugh but I’m not positive she’s joking. I know Grandpa and Grandma agree that I need to get off the farm. You have to go back to school at the end of summer, Grandma reminds me. You have to face the music at some point, might as well do it in the dark of night rather than the light of day. Not totally reassuring, Grandma.